so lets talk Instagram. Some of you may know that I post makeup pictures on Instagram, under the name 'nushinspacemakeup'. In fact I post something new almost, if not every, day. You'd be surprised how many thousands of other people do so as well. And yes, that is my new hair colour, lol, I got bored with the blonde so I ombre-purpled it. Anyway, Instagram. It's a treacherous place to be. You're putting yourself and your work out there for basically complete strangers to judge and sneer at.
Now why the picture above for today's post, well i'll tell you. It's a makeup look I created and posted today after i'd been to the hospital and undergone my .... 16th? 17th? ECT. They've taken the quantifiable threshold off the table. I amuse and awe my fellow patients with all the makeup (and hair) shenanigans I keep pulling, and that makes me feel good. There is a Sikh lady .... maybe in her 70s, who undergoes ECTs with me, and she spends the time beforehand just crying her heart out and constantly going to the bathroom and needing a nurse to hold her hand because she is just that afraid. So I rocked up with this do, and my red-heavy makeup, and all of a sudden she's smiling and asking me about what I did and how and when and etc- she went into the operating theater smiling. Now THAT made me feel good.
So I post the picture above to Instagram, and someone says:
"you really need to learn to do makeup. your makeup is awful. I really hope you don't leave the house looking like that".
I'm not going to name names, but ... yeah. Now obviously you can't please everyone, and haters and going to hate no matter what, but .... yeah. To take time out of your day to pull down someone else's so viciously.... it's beyond me. And as a bipolar person, I find these kinds of comments particularly cutting. The ECTs must be doing something though because instead of wanting to jump off a bridge I thought, "my makeup isn't awful and there is nothing fucking wrong with that picture". Red isn't the most wearable eyeliner colour, obviously, but the overall look is strong. I'm sorry, but it's true.
It got me thinking about how I might have reacted pre-ECT, or last year, or five years ago, for example. I can't deny I still feel hurt, but back then I would have been hurt beyond all bounds. I might never have picked up an eyeliner again. I definitely would have stopped looking in mirrors. Or going anywhere near cameras. I would have stared at the floor a lot more. I might have given my makeup collection away entirely. I would have cried. And cried. And cried. That comment would have ruined me, for months on end.
I know it sounds dramatic, but any of you in the midst of a bad bipolar spell/ depression will feel me. I also know that there are, right this minute, people posting shots of themselves on Instagram and getting hateful comments. And that some of those people ARE in a bad spell/ bad depression. And I fear for them. And I feel for them. And I hope for better for them.
As always, my message is, you are not alone. I am here with you, or have been here with you. Before you jump off that bridge, come talk to me. Whether you're Bipolar, depressed, schizophrenic, obsessive compulsive.... whatever your mental ailment may be.
Also, come say hi! I would love to talk to you guys on Instagram, it would be more immediate. 'Nushinspacemakeup' is what it is. I definitely consider makeup part of my therapy; with the occasional hiccup like today I guess.